When people hear the word “anxiety,” they often picture panic attacks, hyperventilating, or someone visibly falling apart. But anxiety is just as often quiet, invisible, and masked behind a smile. It’s the voice in your head questioning if you sounded weird after a conversation, the heart racing before sending a simple email, or the hours spent replaying something you said at work. And for many, the hardest part isn’t the anxiety itself - it’s the shame of having it at all.
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is our body’s natural response to perceived danger or threat. It’s what helped our ancestors survive by alerting us to real risks in the environment. Today, those threats look less like lions and more like difficult conversations, deadlines, or the fear of judgment.
While occasional anxiety is a normal part of life, it can become overwhelming when the nervous system stays in a prolonged state of alertness. Some people experience anxiety as racing thoughts, shortness of breath, or restlessness. Others may feel a heavy knot in the stomach, muscle tension, or a vague sense that something is “off.”
But anxiety doesn’t always announce itself so loudly. It can show up in quieter, more familiar ways, like replaying a conversation from earlier that day and wondering if you said something wrong. Feeling your heart race before sending a simple email, or staying up late even though you’re exhausted because your mind won’t settle. Because these signs are often invisible to others, and even to ourselves, many people learn to hide their anxiety in order to look like everything’s fine. Over time, that pressure to look fine on the outside can start to feed something deeper: shame.
The Stigma Around Anxiety
Our society often rewards people who appear calm, composed, and “together.” There’s a quiet pressure to seem unbothered, even when everything inside feels messy.
When someone shares their anxiety, they are often met with responses like: “You’re overthinking it. Just relax. It’s not a big deal.” These reactions, even when well-intentioned, can make people feel invalidated. Instead of feeling supported, they’re left wondering if their feelings are “too much.” Over time, they may begin to believe those messages - that maybe there is something wrong with them, and that they just need to get over it. This internalized stigma - believing that anxiety makes you weak or broken - only adds to the emotional burden. And when you believe your emotions are shameful, it becomes harder to talk about them or ask for help.
It can be easy to believe that anxiety means something is wrong with you. That you are flawed, or not as capable as others who seem more relaxed or confident. But feeling anxious, especially in a world that often moves too fast and demands too much, is a deeply human response. You are not weak for feeling this way. In many cases, anxiety reflects how much you care, how closely you pay attention, and how deeply you want to get things right.
That kind of sensitivity can be a strength. But when it’s paired with pressure to hide how you really feel, it can start to feel like too much.
The Cost of Masking
Because of stigma, many people with anxiety become experts at masking. At work, in relationships, and in social situations, they try to “perform” so that they appear at ease and confident, even when they feel far from it inside.
But masking comes at a cost. It can lead to burnout from constantly pushing through discomfort, disconnection from others due to fear of being seen as “too much,” and lingering self-doubt after social interactions. You might find yourself overanalyzing every word, wondering if you talked too much or came off the wrong way.
And often, this pattern doesn’t just drain your energy, but it can also quietly feed into the anxiety-shame spiral.
The Anxiety–Shame Spiral
One of the most painful dynamics of living with anxiety is what’s sometimes called the anxiety-shame spiral.
It often starts with a moment of anxiety - maybe your voice shakes during a meeting, your heart races before sending a text, or you cancel plans because you feel too overwhelmed. And then, almost instantly, shame follows: “Why am I like this? Everyone else can handle it. Something is wrong with me.”
But these self-critical thoughts rarely come out of nowhere. For many people, they’re shaped by past experiences and times when your anxiety was met with confusion, criticism, or judgment. Maybe a friend told you that you’re being “too sensitive”. Maybe a teacher told you to “stop being dramatic,” or a loved one dismissed your fear with “just calm down.”
Over time, those moments accumulate. We start to believe that our anxiety is not just uncomfortable, but unacceptable. That we’re a burden for having it and that we have to hide it to be accepted.
This is where the spiral deepens: anxiety shows up, which triggers shame about feeling anxious. That shame, in turn, intensifies the anxiety. And the cycle repeats.
The spiral can be subtle but incredibly draining and have a lasting impact on your self-esteem. Coping with anxiety is often about more than just managing the symptoms. It also means unlearning the shame that’s built up around it.
Of course, it can be helpful to develop tools that reduce the intensity of anxiety and support your well-being. But just as important is learning to meet anxious moments without judgment. Breaking the spiral starts with noticing the critical voice that follows anxiety, recognizing where those messages came from, and gently reminding yourself that your anxiety is not a flaw or a weakness - and that you’re allowed to feel this way.
Strategies for Reducing Shame and Finding Relief
Here are a few practices to help ease the weight of anxiety and reduce the shame that often comes with it:
1. Seek spaces where you don’t have to mask
Surround yourself with people who accept all of you, including your anxious moments. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a support group, or a therapist, we all need places where we can exhale and be real.
2. Normalize your experience
Millions of people live with anxiety. You are not broken or weak for struggling. You are responding to something your nervous system perceives as unsafe, and that makes sense.
3. Practice self-compassion
Speak to yourself the way you would to a scared child or a struggling friend. Anxiety is hard enough and shaming yourself for it only adds to the pain. Try saying: “This is hard right now, and I’m doing the best I can”, “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed”, or “I’m allowed to need care and support.”
4. Consider reaching out for support
Therapy can be a space where your anxiety is met with compassion instead of judgment. It’s a place to explore where your patterns come from, and to learn how to respond to anxiety with more care and understanding.
You are not alone in your experience - and the more we name our anxiety without shame, the more space we create for healing, connection, and self-acceptance.