We all carry many identities - friend, parent, employee, citizen. Among them, our cultural identity deeply shapes how we see the world and relate to others. Yet for many of us, our connection to heritage can be complicated. Political events, war, or cultural tensions can create a sense of dissonance between our moral values and our cultural or national identity. These deep, conflicting feelings that stem from our country’s controversial actions or history can lead to experiences of shame, guilt, and alienation.
Personal Perspective: My Journey Through Cultural Shame
As a therapist, I sometimes meet people who struggle with shame around their cultural identity. I, too, come from a country whose actions I feel deeply ashamed of. I am from Russia, but years of war with Ukraine and internal repressions have made it difficult for me to say so proudly. Shame and disappointment led to a disconnection from the culture that once felt comforting and grounding. Traditions and rituals that once brought joy and connection were overshadowed by guilt and eventually abandoned. Ashamed of my identity and heritage, I worked hard to assimilate and blend into American culture. I succeeded, but at what price? Like an uprooted plant, I missed the sense of grounding and belonging, as well as the richness and joy that my cultural complexity once provided. Like the loss of a loved one, the pain of losing my cultural identity brought profound feelings of loneliness and isolation, feelings that were difficult to put into words.
While cutting ties with my heritage initially felt like an act of self-preservation, it ultimately created even more emotional pain and identity confusion. I began asking myself: How do I stay connected to myself, and how can I show up authentically with others if I keep actively rejecting an essential part of myself?
The Psychology of Cultural Shame and Guilt
Research shows that feelings of cultural dissonance can lead to identity confusion and emotional distress, difficulty showing up authentically in relationships, and persistent feelings of shame and guilt.
These emotions can deeply affect how we relate to others and ourselves.
Shame and guilt have a profound impact on our lives. Shame can manifest as a desire to hide or suppress one’s cultural or national identity, as well as a willingness to blend into the dominant culture and camouflage the unique features that connect us to our origins. This can lead to anxiety and hypervigilance in social situations, and even internal censorship of one’s speech and expression, often triggering a stress-like response in the body. Guilt, on the other hand, often stems from a deep, ongoing identification with one’s culture and a sense of responsibility or compliance with its actions. It can manifest as intense feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and despair, and may even fuel a desire to repair the damage through political action.
Why Staying Connected to Our Roots Matters
So why do we care? Can we simply assimilate into the dominant culture and start a new life with a new cultural identity? Psychologist John W. Berry’s (1992) model of acculturation distinguishes between assimilation and integration. We assimilate when we fully adopt the dominant culture while rejecting our culture of origin. Integration, on the other hand, involves preserving one’s cultural identity while also developing an identity connected to the dominant culture. Research shows that integration is linked to better mental health outcomes, including lower levels of depression and anxiety and higher self-esteem.
Repairing Our Connection to Cultural Identity: Pathways to Healing
Narrative Approach. The stories we tell ourselves shape the way we view ourselves and the world. Narrative therapy helps us rewrite personal and collective stories in ways that feel empowering and affirming. Re-centering our story around values rather than shame can help us reconnect with the meaningful aspects of our identity. This might include stories that emphasize the resilience of people, the beauty of traditions and rituals, the voices of the ancestors, or the richness of our native language.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Dialectical philosophy, one of the foundations of DBT, refers to the ability to hold two seemingly opposing truths at once. Feeling ashamed of your country’s actions, yet still loving it.. Disappointment in politics and respect for cultural traditions. Being shaped by your culture and feeling connected to a new one. This approach moves us away from black-and-white thinking that emphasizes extremes. DBT can help strengthen the skill of radical acceptance - the practice of stopping the fight against reality and accepting disappointment, pain, and loss, while still allowing love and attachment to one’s culture to exist.
Mindfulness. We often think of mindfulness as awareness of the present moment, but it can also facilitate reconnection to parts of our identity that were neglected or shut down. Through mindful engagement in rituals such as listening to music, reciting poetry, cooking traditional foods, or praying, we can experience the parts of our cultural identity that feel comforting, meaningful, and beautiful. Even when emotions may remain complex, attending not only to shame or guilt but also to the positive feelings that arise can foster integration.
Grief Work. Deep emotional pain in response to the actions of one’s culture of origin often involves loss. While some parts of cultural identity can be reintegrated, the loss of others is inevitable. Loss of patriotism, loss of trust in national leadership, and, on a more intimate level, the loss of friends and family who found themselves on the opposite side of the political spectrum. Processing grief, accepting loss, and integrating a renewed cultural identity into the self become essential parts of healing.
Nostalgia. This sense of longing for the past, familiar to many of us, can serve as an anchor, offering a window into what was precious and charming in our culture of origin. By engaging with childhood memories, looking at old photographs, telling grandparents' stories, or cooking foods that remind us of happy times, we can reconnect with a deep sense of love and belonging, bypassing shame and guilt.
Behavioral Changes. Engaging in action can help us navigate overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt. Whether it involves reconnecting with community, participating in cultural rituals, or engaging in political activism, these behavioral changes can transform painful emotions into a sense of belonging, fulfillment, and even cultural pride.
Concluding Remarks
Reconnecting with our cultural identity is not about going back in time. It is not about denial or ignorance. It is about healing, growth, and finding our authenticity. In embracing both the pain and the beauty of our heritage, we find not only connection to our culture, but to ourselves.