Attachment styles develop early on as a template for navigating and interpreting intimate and interpersonal relationships in adulthood. They are formed in childhood and are directly related to the early bonds we have with our primary caregivers. Often, our attachment styles guide how we interpret relationships as adults. They become an imprint for familial relationships, intimate relationships, and even friendships. There are four types of attachment styles: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and disorganized attachment. Oftentimes, anxious and avoidant individuals are drawn to each other, creating something known as the anxious-avoidant trap, or the pursuer-distancer dynamic.
Anxious attachment, also known as preoccupied or ambivalent attachment, can often develop in childhood as a result of inconsistency in how primary caregivers respond to the child’s needs. In this dynamic, sometimes parents are responsive to their child’s emotional or physical needs, and other times they are not, which creates a confusing (or ambivalent) environment for the child with mixed signals. Another dynamic that can lead to this attachment style in adulthood is when, as a child, parents sought closeness with their children as a means of support to fulfill their own emotional needs, often leading to the parentified child. You may be asking yourself, how do I know if I have an anxious or avoidant attachment style?
Some indications that you may have an anxious attachment are:
- You often seek validation from others or rely on others to make decisions for you
- You are often self critical or struggle with chronic feelings of self-doubt
- Feeling needy but being unable to emotionally pull back or regulate
- High highs when given attention and low lows when attention is gone
- Constant over analyzing of others tone, language, or texts
- Having difficulty regulating your emotions or having more intense reactions to threats
- You are ambivalent about others being able to help or support you
- You feel criticism and rejection deeply and may even struggle with feedback
- Tend to struggle with putting others needs before your own in relationships due to constantly trying to prove you are deserving of love
On the other hand, avoidant attachment is often associated with caregivers who are emotionally distant and do not allow space for their child’s emotions. As a child, your parents would stifle your ability to express yourself, were often strict, or they may have had strong reactions to expression of feelings, whether positive emotions or negative emotions. This can also be seen in children who are expected to be independent from an early age or with parents who avoided the display of emotion, intimacy, or affection. These parents would often pull away when their child would seek emotional support or attunement.
Some indicators of an avoidant attachment in someone can look like:
- Social interactions or relationships often feel surface level
- You avoid strong displays of intimacy or closeness
- You tend to close yourself off if you feel yourself getting too close to someone
- Feeling like you do not need emotional intimacy in your life
- On the outside you may appear self-reliant, independent, and even social
- Not relying on others for support or reassurance and being annoyed by others’ need for it
- Withdrawal from emotional closeness or denial of emotions
- Often being described as cold or distant
- Feeling inadequate when unable to meet partner’s need for connection
As you can see, these two attachment styles are almost completely opposite of one another, and often what one person with an anxious attachment seeks, the avoidant partner turns away from. At the core, the most essential emotional needs are directly in opposition to each other, which can often lead to the anxious-avoidant trap. Despite this, it is common for these attachment styles to attract each other, as people are often drawn to traits in their partner that they wish they themselves had. For example, an avoidant may be attracted to an anxious partner’s ability to be emotionally vulnerable, while an anxious partner may be attracted to an avoidant’s self-assurance and self-reliance. Another reason these two attachment styles can attract is due to an unconscious desire to fulfill unmet needs from childhood. For example, an avoidant partner may be attracted to an anxious partner because the anxious partner’s need for closeness can reinforce the avoidant's need for independence and space. On the flip side, an anxious attachment may be drawn to the challenge of having to “earn” an emotional connection with an avoidant partner due to its familiarity with the inconsistency felt in childhood.
The anxious-avoidant trap often refers to the push-pull, or distancer-pursuer, dynamic that can form between adults with these opposing attachment styles. This creates a cycle of emotional distancing and reconnecting, which can lead to instability and insecurity within the relationship. The more the anxious partner seeks emotional closeness, the more the avoidant partner pulls back. The more the avoidant partner pulls back or is emotionally distant, the more insecure and anxious the other partner can feel, creating more urgency for connection, often fueled by fear of abandonment. Over time, this dynamic can lead to the anxious partner feeling on edge, anxious, or unfulfilled. These feelings can sometimes cause the anxious partner to over-pursue their partner and engage in behaviors that unintentionally push them further away. On the other side of this pendulum, the avoidant partner can often feel overwhelmed or pressured by their anxious partner’s need for closeness.
In a relationship, this dynamic could look like:
- During conflict, an anxious partner seeking immediate resolution, while the avoidant craves space and distance
- The anxious partner coming in ‘hot’ ready to prove themselves worthy in the relationship
- The avoidant partner can start to feel like their partner is ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’
- The avoidant partner shutting down or exploding, when approached about their partner’s emotional needs
- The anxious partner sending frequent calls or texts when they sense distance in the relationship
- The avoidant partner withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship by seeking more space or communicating less
- The avoidant partner initially showering their partner with attention, and then suddenly retreating
While this can be a difficult dynamic to navigate in a relationship, it is not impossible for these partners to have a strong, loving, and close relationship in which both partners’ needs are met. The first step in beginning to heal this dynamic is identifying which attachment style you have and the challenges that come with it. Once you are able to identify this for yourself, you can begin to figure out what your individual triggers are. What causes you to pursue or distance yourself from your partner? Being able to openly and calmly discuss these with each other can help open the door to finding compromises and solutions for ways to balance and meet each other’s needs. Ask your partner, “How can I support you when you are feeling triggered?”
In addition, it takes individual work to reach success in navigating this type of relationship. An anxious partner will want to focus on learning to self-soothe and respect boundaries, while an avoidant partner will want to focus on becoming more vulnerable and emotionally available. You may now be wondering how to best support your anxious or avoidant partner.
Ways to support the anxious attachment partner:
- Not abruptly ending or walking away from emotional conversations or conflict
Instead, try voicing your need for a break and set up a time to return to the conversation.
Example: “I want to be able to show up for you in this conversation, but I am feeling overwhelmed. I need to take a break, but can we pick this up after lunch so I can show up ready to listen and understand?”
This can help mitigate feelings of abandonment in the anxious partner.
- Offer reassurance and maintain consistency in actions and communication
This can help reduce guesswork for your partner and soothe the anxious attachment.
- Have regular scheduled check-ins (maybe weekly) to discuss the relationship
This can help lessen feelings of urgency and reassurance-seeking in the anxious partner, while also allowing the avoidant partner to prepare for the emotional conversation.
Ways to support the avoidant partner:
- Respect their boundaries
One of the biggest triggers for avoidants can be when their boundaries are not respected.
Example: Instead of blocking the doorway during conflict or following them when they ask for a break, respond with understanding and patience.
This can help your partner feel safe and less pressured, allowing space for them to work through their own emotions. - Support their individual hobbies and relationships outside of your own
This can help your partner feel less overwhelmed or pressured by the relationship because they are able to maintain their independence. - Focus on your own emotional well-being
Don’t rely on your partner to “fix” your feelings or make you feel better. Instead, seek ways to support your own emotional needs and regulate your emotions to decrease the sense of panic or urgency—get comfortable with discomfort.
Navigating an anxious-avoidant relationship takes patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow both individually and together. By recognizing the patterns at play and taking small, intentional steps toward balance, partners can begin to build trust, safety, and deeper connection. While these dynamics can feel challenging, they also offer an opportunity for healing - both within yourself and within your relationship. With openness, compassion, and consistent effort, it is possible to move beyond the push-pull cycle and create a partnership that feels supportive, secure, and fulfilling for both individuals.