Do you ever notice feeling depressed around your birthday? If so, you are not alone. Birthday depression, also known as birthday blues, is often a common experience for many individuals. People who struggle around their birthday may notice feelings of dread, social withdrawal, sadness, or even avoidance. The birthday blues share similarities with symptoms of anxiety and depression. It can feel and look different for everyone but can often result in symptoms such as apathy, rumination, irritability, negative self-talk, or feeling unmotivated.
Some signs around your birthday that may indicate birthday blues:
- Persistent changes in your mood lasting for several days around your birthday
- More frequent moments of crying leading up to your birthday
- Changes in sleep or appetite as it approaches
- Ruminating thoughts about the past or unmet goals
- Physical changes, aches, or pains
- Stress about ‘time left’
- Desire to isolate yourself
- Avoidance of acknowledging or celebrating/talking about your birthday
There are many different reasons why people may struggle with their birthday but often birthday blues often subside shortly after your birthday has passed. A common reason for many people who struggle with birthday depression is a fear of aging or getting older. For many people with this fear, there can sometimes be associated feelings of anxiety surrounding mortality or expectations of life. Birthdays, especially milestone birthdays, can often cause deep feelings of introspection and reflection to occur, creating mixed emotions about where people are in life, versus where they thought they might be at this stage. Specifically for individuals who hold themselves to very high standards, this can often lead to feelings of disappointment surrounding unrealized hopes and goals, or perceived lack of accomplishments.
Another common cause for the birthday blues, especially with the prevalence of social media, are high expectations or comparison to others. Often people who struggle with this can find themselves defaulting to ‘shoulds,’ as in there is a way that our birthday ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be celebrated. This can often lead to anxiety and feelings of pressure regarding performance, keeping up with others, or meeting the expectations and ‘shoulds’ that their friends and family may have for them. Sometimes the pressure of planning a birthday celebration can feel too heavy leading to worries about others enjoying themselves or feeling entertained enough. In these cases most people opt for avoidance, avoidance of the day, plans, and social interactions.
Past birthday experiences or previous trauma can also be a potential cause for people experiencing birthday depression. Many people have experienced trauma around their birthday or had previous birthday experiences that involved sad or difficult times. These experiences can range from, but are not limited to, familial distress or loss, a history of people not showing up for them, or a difficult upbringing where the individual was never celebrated. Especially for people with difficult family dynamics, celebrations in general can typically remind people of estranged relationships or feeling neglected and unloved as a child. On an emotional level people may experience discomfort with being celebrated, feelings of not deserving the celebration, or anticipatory disappointment of others not being able to show up for them in the way that they would or in a way they desire.
So how can we show up for those in our lives who may struggle with birthday depression? The first thing we can do is show empathy and respect their wishes. For example, if someone expresses wanting to be alone or to do something low key, don’t go over trying to pressure them out to a bar or plan a surprise birthday party. It is important to think about what that person has expressed wanting versus focusing on what you may want for them. Another way to support someone experiencing the birthday blues includes sending or showing more love or recognition, not on their actual birthday, but on days or weeks approaching it. For example, you can plan a dinner with a friend and at the end of the meal, pick up the check indicating it’s your treat for their birthday in a few weeks.
Most importantly, it is vital to figure out ways to show up for yourself if you experience birthday blues. There are many ways to show yourself care, love, and support both around and on the day of your birthday. Some ways to cope with birthday depression include:
Practicing self-compassion and awareness
One way to cope with difficult feelings surrounding your birthday is to practice gratitude and engage in self-reflection. If you struggle with birthday blues then chances are there is some reflection going on surrounding events that may be difficult. Give yourself permission to reflect on what makes you sad about your birthday. It is important to also engage in moments of reflection surrounding gratitude. Reflect on the past year and things that you are grateful for. It may sound cheesy but studies show that practicing gratitude can greatly improve mood and mental well being. As your birthday approaches it could be helpful to use gratitude and reflect on lessons learned over the past year.
Allowing your emotions to exist
Another way to help process your emotions is to make space for them. Rather than trying to resist them, dedicate time to feel them and process them. Journaling can be a great way to externally process these feelings. If you have some hesitancy about writing your feelings out you can always use your voice memos on your phone to externally process as well. Remember sometimes all the pain lies in the resistance, so stop resisting. Let yourself cry, scream, or feel sad and show yourself self-compassion throughout the process. “It’s your birthday, you can cry if you want to.”
‘Celebrate in your way, or don’t’
One of the most common sentiments for people who struggle with birthday depression surrounds expectations. These can include expectations you have surrounding what your own birthday celebrations ‘should’ involve, societal expectations, or expectations your family or friends have. Oftentimes, if someone’s family or friends want to celebrate or plan festivities for their birthday that they themselves do not want, it can cause feelings of guilt to arise for not wanting the same thing, or fear of disappointment.
It is important to remember that it is your birthday and it is the one day where you are allowed to be selfish! This means relieving yourself of unhelpful expectations and focusing more on your needs and desires. Whether you want to make plans or not, choose something that feels within your capacity and resources and clearly communicate your expectations and boundaries with those around you. For example, if you dread planning, have a fear of rejection or people not attending your plans, or just feel too much pressure, it is okay to keep things simple and intimate and set boundaries.
Surround yourself with safety and support
Birthday blues can certainly feel lonely but it is important to remember you are not alone. Despite what you may see on social media, not everyone enjoys their birthday. Lean on your support system and people who make you feel safe and heard. Talking to a friend or family member can help you feel less alone, and chances are they can relate. Being vulnerable and sharing your emotions can provide the opportunity for your support system to rally around you and give you the support you need.