Coming out is often talked about like it’s one moment, but for many LGBTQ+ folks, it’s a series of moments. Sometimes liberating. Sometimes painful. What makes the difference in how we get through those moments is often not family of origin, but chosen family. While this concept seems straightforward, chosen family refers to the support system you choose, usually of individuals with similar identities. Chosen family can be the people who see you clearly, love you fully, and show up consistently, especially when your immediate family cannot. Whether it’s friends, mentors, or partners, chosen family plays a critical role in queer mental health and survival.
This isn’t just about feeling supported. It’s about feeling safe and feeling like yourself in a world that often tries to shrink or erase you.The sections below explore why chosen family matters, and how queer folks, especially in places like New York City, continue to create spaces where they can hold each other through it all.
Healing from Rejection
For a lot of queer folks, coming out to family isn’t received well. The Human Rights Campaign found that more than half of LGBTQ+ teens (57.4%) reported experiencing at least one form of parental rejection. That moment, for many, is followed by silence, side-eyes, or being asked to keep it to yourself. It shows up in awkward dinners, distant phone calls, and a deep sense of shame or grief. None of this is surprising. Studies have consistently shown that LGBTQ+ youth who experience family rejection are at significantly higher risk for depression, anxiety, substance use, and suicidality.
In situations like this, chosen family is a lifeline. In one study by Grigor & Casey, queer folks who leaned on other LGBTQ+ peers reported less fear of judgment and greater comfort being themselves. It’s easier to open up when the person across from you understands intellectually and from lived experience. When you're surrounded by people who have been through similar things, who understand the risks and the weight you face, you don’t have to over explain, you can just be yourself.
Building Resilience & Affirmation
Chosen family doesn’t just help you survive; it also helps you rebuild. Being in relationships where you’re accepted and affirmed is healing. It reminds you that you are deserving, lovable, and a normal human being. This helps reduce internalized shame and judgment—shame that many of us didn’t even realize we were carrying and never should have had to.
Chosen family helps grow your confidence. They remind you that you deserve to take up space, speak up, wear what you want, and show up fully as yourself. That in itself is resilience, and you can draw on that very resilience when rejection or shame shows up again.
The Importance of Queer Community Historically
Long before there were corporate rainbow logos or pride playlists on Spotify, queer people were creating their own systems of care. Because they had to. Ballroom houses provided shelter and performance space for Black and brown trans youth. ACT UP collectives fed each other, grieved together, and fought for the lives of those being ignored during the AIDS crisis. Queer communities gathered in bars, bookstores, kitchens, and stoops to survive and resist.
So when we talk about chosen family today, we’re not talking about something new, we’re talking about legacy. This tradition is rooted in protection, interdependence, and change. It’s one of the many ways we stay connected to the generations of queer folks who came before us.
How to Find Community in NYC (Today)
NYC is one of the best places to build chosen family. There are the staples: organizations like The Center and GMHC, which offer support groups, community events, and free services built by and for LGBTQ+ people. But community doesn’t only live in support circles, it’s also in nightlife and shared interests. In neighborhoods like Hell’s Kitchen and the West Village, you’ll find drag shows, queer bars, and historic spaces that have held generations of us.
You can also find your people through what you love. There’s queer rock climbing nights, line dancing at Stud Country, queer choirs, D&D campaigns, intramural sports teams, activist collectives, and reading groups. There’s basically a queer version of everything.
And if going out isn’t your vibe, or you’re still figuring out what feels right, digital spaces are just as real. Reddit threads, Discord servers, and apps like Lex make it easy to connect with other queer folks in your area, whether you’re looking for a date, a creative partner, a roommate, or just someone to talk to who gets it.
The point is: your people are out there. Whether it’s at a drag performance, in a group chat, or at a climbing gym- it is impossible not to find your people.
Conclusion
Chosen family matters because, for so many queer people, it becomes the space where love doesn’t have to be earned, explained, or carefully managed - it’s offered, fully and without hesitation. Especially for those who have had to navigate rejection, silence, or conditional acceptance from their families of origin, chosen family often becomes the foundation for healing, stability, and a fuller sense of self.
Sometimes they start in a support group, a shared glance at a bar, or a message in a Discord thread. Over time, these relationships grow into something steady, people who remember your pronouns, ask about your day, show up when things fall apart, and remind you that you never have to face any of this alone.
The comfort of not needing to shrink or translate yourself can be deeply transformative. It gives queer people room to breathe, to show up honestly, and to feel, often for the first time, what it means to be held with care and consistency.
Queer community has always been built on this kind of care across decades, through resistance, grief, celebration, and daily survival. And today, that legacy continues through in-person spaces in a city like New York or in the vast and strange intimacy of digital connection. We find each other, we show up, and we stay.
Sources:
Grigor, R. R. R., & Casey, L. J. (2025). “A Straight Friend Hasn’t Walked in These Shoes”: The Role of Shared Identity in LGBTQIA+ Informal Mental Health Support. Journal of Homosexuality, 1–27. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2025.2480772