When Roommates Clash: Tips for Stress-Free Living - Humantold https://humantold.com/

When Roommates Clash: Tips for Stress-Free Living

Juli Walchuk, MHC-LP January 27, 2025

Living with roommates can be difficult, so let’s explore how to make the most of it and best address issues when they arise.

Living with roommates can be hard! Whether you’re a college student living in a dorm with random roommates or living in an apartment with a roommate or two to help offset the price of NYC rent, navigating shared living space can really test your patience. This can be the case whether living with strangers or your best friends; both can present unique challenges. Most of us have either heard or lived through some roommate nightmare situations. A friend of mine once had a roommate in college who was selling hard drugs out of their dorm room; another had a roommate who would take hours long phone calls…on speaker phone…in the middle of the night. I’m lucky my situations have not been this severe, but I did live in a 250 sq foot room with 2 random roommates freshman year of college, which proved challenging. Everyone deserves to live in a space where they feel safe and comfortable. Sharing small living spaces with others can be difficult, so let’s explore how to make the most of it and best address issues when they arise.

Being Proactive and Setting Expectations

When first looking for a roommate and screening potential fits, you may want to ask about the topics below to establish whether there is compatibility. If you are being paired with random roommates, like in a school dorm, this may not be possible, but being proactive in establishing ground rules is beneficial. Once you do move in with someone new, having a discussion right off the bat can help to ensure the expectations are set. Each situation may also bring other specific topics to be discussed, but below are a few main areas to touch base about with a new roommate: 

  • Cleanliness expectations: What standards of cleanliness for shared spaces do you each have? How will you divide household cleaning & the purchase of cleaning supplies? Would creating a chore chart be helpful for accountability? 
  • Bills breakdown: Will you split bills 50/50 (or by thirds for three roommates)? Who will send the actual payment each month for rent, electricity, internet, etc.? 
  • Lifestyle: When do each of you typically go to bed and what are expectations for noise levels at certain times of day? (Especially if you share a bedroom) 
  • Guests: Is everyone okay with guests once in a while and how much notice is needed? 
  • Alcohol & drugs: Do people feel comfortable with the use of alcohol or drugs in the shared living space? Do people have boundaries around frequency or specific substances?
  • Shared items: What items are communal versus separate (for example, kitchenware, toothpaste, etc.)? Will you share food or all food is separate? If someone wants to use or borrow something, can they ask? 
  • Pets: If anyone has pets or plans to get a pet, how often will the litterbox, fish tank, etc. be cleaned? Whose responsibility will that be and is there an additional apartment fee to have a pet?

It can be challenging for those who are more conflict avoidant or people pleasing, but it is vital to set and assert your boundaries when living with others. One boundary I wish I had set/ asked for when living in a triple during college was more alone time in the room. As an introvert, I really struggled with having 2 roommates as we shared a tiny room; it was rare to be in the room without one or both of my roommates present. I wish we had talked more about our class and activity schedules so we could all arrange a little bit of time each week to ourselves in the room. Another boundary that often needs to be set amongst roommates is the divide between personal and shared items/space. One helpful example from my college days was establishing that we wouldn’t touch or sit on each other’s beds, which allowed for some personal space. To be able to say to a roommate, “Please don’t enter my bedroom without my permission” or “Please ask me before using my tea kettle” doesn’t require a major conversation or confrontation but just reiterates your boundaries. 

Managing Conflict and Having Difficult Conversations 

Admittedly, I was not good at this when living in that triple freshman year of college. We had some issues that warranted discussion, but I opted for passive aggressive text messages instead of productive face to face conversations. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to have a direct conversation about what is going wrong in your living situation, but try addressing specific issues as they arise, rather than waiting and allowing resentment to build up. This can sometimes feel even harder when you are living with close friends. Here are a few recommendations for addressing issues in a healthier and more direct manner: 

  • Focus on specific behaviors instead of criticizing someone’s character: Coming in hot with something like “You’re such a slob and you never do your dishes!” or “You’re so inconsiderate!” is not likely to result in the shifts you want to see. Instead, focus on a specific behavior with lines like, “I feel anxious and frustrated when I see dishes piled up in the sink, would you be able to wash your dishes at the end of each day to avoid pile up?” or “When you invite guests over without letting me know ahead of time, I feel blindsided. Please give me a heads up before they arrive in the future.” 
  • Using “I” statements: As exemplified in the quotes above, use “I” statements to express how you are feeling and what your needs are. 
  • Active listening: This includes giving the other person your full attention, good eye contact, attentive body language, and asking questions. 

  • Be open to feedback: When having discussions, be willing to hear the other person’s perspective and feelings. Be open to their feedback to you and avoid personalizing. 
  • Focus on the goal: Center the conversation on the goal of living more harmoniously together instead of an opportunity to point out the other person’s flaws. 
  • Do weekly or monthly check-ins: Especially if you are new to living together, schedule weekly or monthly check-ins as you adjust to living together. This gives a designated space to nip any issues in the bud before they escalate. 
  • Create a chore chart: If it would feel helpful to assist with accountability, create a written chore chart so everyone knows what is expected of them. 
  • Tap into resources: If you are living on campus, lean on the Residential Life services. I know that at some schools, these may not be the most helpful or attentive offices, but tap into the resources available if needed. Especially if you are in a living situation that feels unsafe or hostile, you may require outside support and “just work it out amongst yourselves” may not cut it. 

We all deserve to feel safe and comfortable in our homes, and effective communication can go a long way in ensuring a more harmonious living environment. 

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