On the surface, most people pleasers present as kind, accommodating, and flexible individuals who can usually get along well with almost anyone. While these are certainly positive qualities to have and often allow for less conflict to arise, most people are unaware of the hidden costs to being a people pleaser. Those who struggle with people pleasing tendencies, will often discredit their own emotions and needs to better address those very things in others. They often engage in emotional caretaking which places the needs and emotions of others above their own in an effort to avoid conflict or help others fix their problems. Over time, this dynamic can create difficulties within interpersonal relationships and have negative effects on the individual’s self-esteem and emotional well being. It is important to understand how patterns of people pleasing arise and ways to break these patterns.
One of the biggest predictors of people pleasing is complex trauma and adverse childhood experiences. While most people are familiar with the three common trauma responses; fight, flight, and freeze, there is a fourth known as fawning. Fawning is a mechanism in which an individual does what they can to appease whoever is causing the trauma as a means of survival. Often when someone grows up in an abusive environment they can default to fawning, or people pleasing, as a way to minimize the harm or abuse they experience. These people learn over time to minimize or neglect their own emotions, struggle with saying ‘no,’ and often agree with others even if it does not align with their feelings or values. While these behaviors once served as a survival mechanism, overtime, if they continue, they can have a negative impact on an individual's mental health and relationships.
Not everyone who is a people pleaser has experienced trauma or suffered abuse. Some people engage in people pleasing as a result of how they received love or support as a child. Often, those children who grow up with caregivers who did not make space for their emotions and struggled to validate or recognize their emotions, learn as they get older to neglect their own needs and feelings to better engage with others. An example of this can be seen in a parentified child who grew up having to take on the emotional caretaker role for their parent. They are taught to engage with others by taking on the role of chronic listener, fixer, and helper and struggle to see their value outside of this role. People pleasing can also develop as a response to stigma or oppression. People who are underprivileged may be forced to choose between tolerating poor behavior from others or being able to support their family or have housing. In addition, those communities who face widespread oppression may be forced into fawning as a way to minimize harm or secure safety. Others find themselves stuck in people pleasing patterns as a form of conflict avoidance or wanting to feel as they belong or fit in. No matter the root, people pleasers will still experience the same consequences as a result of engaging in those patterns.
Some of the personal consequences people pleasing can have on an individual include, a loss of identity, trouble saying no, suppressing their own emotions, low self-esteem, chronic stress, and difficulties with honesty. By appeasing others at all costs and putting all your attention on keeping others happy, you can start to lose sight of what makes yourself happy. Over time, you can lose sight of who you are or what you want as you consistently put yourself last. When someone has difficulty saying no, they can often find themselves overcommitted and struggling with managing responsibilities on their plate. It can often cause a lack of boundaries which can impact professional and personal life. Most people pleasers will often find themselves masking and presenting in a way they assume others will like or approve of. Masking involves hiding your own emotions or personality in effort to appear more agreeable or likeable. Over time, there are severe consequences of masking which can lead to suppression of emotions and in some cases dissociation can occur. Dissociation refers to the separation of self from feelings, thoughts, and identity.
Other hidden costs of being a people pleaser include feeling anxious, exhausted, or resentful. Mental exhaustion often occurs in people pleasers as they are constantly worrying about how people want them to be and often feeling overwhelmed by the lack of boundaries and prioritizing others’ needs. Feelings of resentment are often found at the core of most people pleasers as they develop these feelings over time as a result of others not overextending themselves to the same degree. They will often find themselves feeling taken advantage of, exacerbating the underlying feelings of resentment. Anxiety is also found in individuals who people please as they are constantly feeling fear, insecurity, and worry over not being able to meet other people’s needs. There becomes a constant cycle of fear that they won’t live up to the expectations of others. These costs of being a people pleaser can often impact your intimate relationships.
If you are struggling to identify whether or not you are a people pleaser then it could be helpful to evaluate your relationship history. Some indicators that you may people please in your romantic relationships include difficulty identifying and expressing your own emotions and needs, especially if they differ from your partner’s. Difficulty saying no or setting boundaries with your partner to indicate your limits is also a sign that you engage in people pleasing. Other indicators include romantic relationships feeling one sided and losing your sense of identity when you get into a relationship. This could include no longer engaging in your hobbies or self-care routines or by feeling like there is only take in the relationship and no give.
People pleasing in a relationship can often lead to not being able to discern if the connection is truly a good fit due to constantly suppressing your own needs and feelings. By doing so, you are not being your true self and in turn any connection formed has the potential to be inauthentic. Another cost of people pleasing in your relationship is the development of feelings such as obligation, guilt, and resentment. These feelings can come up when you are constantly putting your partner's needs and desires above your own. Eventually, this dynamic can make you feel as though you lack autonomy and are a passive passenger in others’ lives. It can become exhausting and unfulfilling the longer you go through life changing yourself to fit the narrative you think people want.
So now that you see that you are indeed a people pleaser, you may be asking yourself how can I break this pattern? There are many small steps that you can take to move towards self acceptance and authenticity to yourself. The first step you can take is recognizing when you are trying to fit in and seeking your own truth. For example, if you recognize you are agreeing to plans for the sake of making others happy or comfortable, ask yourself, “What would I ideally prefer to do in this situation if these people were not involved?” If you find your answer is that you would prefer to not go, then honor your desire and remind yourself that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Also, remind yourself that oftentimes people do not care as much as you think they do and it is often your own guilt that you are projecting onto the situation. In alignment with this step, start practicing saying “no.” While this one is a lot harder to put into practice, I recommend starting with low stakes situations and working your way up. Throughout this discomfort you may feel when saying no, remind yourself that you are taking care of yourself and this is not selfish but rather self preservation. It could also be helpful to think of a time someone said no to you and remind yourself how you felt in that situation, often you will find that it did not have any significant impact on you and you did not find that person to be selfish. Another tip on breaking people pleasing patterns is to date yourself and get to know your inner voice. Spend time alone and pay attention to your internal dialogue, what are you telling yourself when there is no one else’s feelings to consider? Recognize this voice as your internal guiding system and learn to listen to it and let it guide you through your social interactions. With this allow yourself to lead with honesty and break the cycle of harboring feelings of resentment and anger. This will allow you to form more authentic relationships not only with others but also with yourself.
As with many challenges, the first step to breaking people pleasing patterns is to recognize yourself as a people pleaser. Understand that this comes from a place of altruism and wanting to protect others, it makes you a kind human being. Also understand that you can still be a kind person and have boundaries. You can still be a kind person and say “no.” You can still be a kind person and prioritize your needs. In fact, by doing so you can better show up for yourself and those you care most about. Embrace this journey of breaking people pleasing patterns as a step towards setting yourself free. Learn to be assertive and stand up for yourself. Becoming your best advocate will never have you feeling like a side character. Become the main character of your story and fall in love with that person. Protect that person, and remember to show up for that person as much as you show up for everyone else.