It’s that time of year again! The time of year to celebrate with loved ones and enjoy the festivities and traditions of the season. While the holidays are meant to be a time of joy and celebration they can often come with stress and feelings of burnout. This is especially true for those of us who have difficult family dynamics to navigate. Oftentimes, there can be copious amounts of stress and anxiety that come up around the holidays making it difficult to find balance. As a couple there is a lot to navigate around the holidays between finances, family dynamics, and managing your usual day to day activities. As with most things holiday related, when it comes to navigating family stress it is always important to plan ahead. It is important to be a pillar of support for one another and learn the best ways to support each other while navigating a stressful family dynamic. Here are some things that can help your partner feel supported as you approach the holiday season.
The first thing that you can do to help support your partner with navigating stressful family dynamics during the holiday is by having stress reducing conversations. This could look like your partner and yourself discussing potential points of distress or common triggers that typically come up around the family and having a plan in place. For example, you guys could decide to incorporate scheduled breaks into your time with family, such as private walks, coffee breaks, or naps. Remember you are not obligated to spend all of your time with anyone visiting and it is healthy and important to have space, especially if you are staying with family or vice versa for a few days. It could also involve setting up a safe word or phrase that your partner can use in the moment when they may need help removing themselves from an uncomfortable situation. In this instance when you hear the word or phrase you can interject and ask your partner to help you with something in a different room or if they would like to take a walk. A physical signal could also work the same, such as a grab of the knee or two hand squeezes indicating they may need an escape or buffer.
Another essential part to helping your partner navigate family stress during the holiday is providing empathy. Think of empathy as a four part recipe. You can show empathy by having a non-judgemental stance, perspective taking, and identifying and communicating the emotion. This means that although something may not seem to be too distressing to you, you still make it a point to try and understand it from your partner’s perspective and not minimize their experience. Avoid statements like, it’s not a big deal, or that doesn’t seem too bad and instead try to paraphrase what you hear your partner saying and let them know what emotion you are seeing in them. For example, “I see that being around your mother is making you anxious and you are scared of being alone with her. You are not alone, I am here, how can I support you right now?’
Presenting as a united front is another great way to support your partner through family stress during this holiday season. This means having a conversation together beforehand about what boundaries they would like to have in place and ways that you both can enforce those boundaries. Having open communication as a couple is vital. By having a conversation surrounding needs and expectations, you can both be better prepared to present as a united front. Discussing boundaries is one thing, enforcing them is another. Plan ahead about potential barriers that may come up in regards to the boundaries you have in place and ways that you could work together to assert them. For example, if you know that your partner is not comfortable with their body being discussed by their family, then when it does come up you can be prepared to step in and say something that will redirect that conversation. If a gentle re-direction does not work then remember it is always okay to communicate your boundary directly to others. For example, “I am not comfortable discussing this with you, I appreciate you respecting my boundary, let’s move on please.” Boundaries should also be discussed ahead of time with your partner surrounding what the expectations are with family around the holidays. Are we okay with a family member staying with us, for how long?
Expressing support is another way to show up for your partner who may be experiencing some familial stress. Even if you do not agree with the level of stress they are experiencing, be sure to actively listen and express support both verbally and physically. This could look like providing some extra reassurance by saying, “I will be by your side the whole time, we got this together as a team,” or “I am here for you” and giving them a hug. This can be done throughout the day and leading up to the event which is causing distress.
One of the best ways you can also show support for your partner is by focusing on managing and regulating your own emotions and practicing self-care. The holidays are stressful for most people and chances are you and your partner have different triggers. Identify your own triggers surrounding the holidays and focus on managing your own emotions as things come up. The best way to ensure that you can show up for your partner is by also showing up for yourself. Communicate openly about what your own needs and expectations are and see where you can both step in for the other. We often have different strengths than our partner so figure out whose strengths are what and the best way to delegate accordingly. For example, maybe one of you is better with being direct with family and is more outspoken while the other is better about engaging in small talk. Then in this case one may be in charge of the more casual conversations and one may be more suitable for enforcing boundaries and initiating pre-set breaks.
As a couple, it is important to keep a few things in mind while navigating family this holiday season. Firstly, ignore advice from non-experts. Be mindful of what you allow into your mental space and remember that just because people offer “advice” does not mean you have to listen or absorb it. It is okay to recognize this as opinion based advice and take it with a grain of salt. Secondly, it is okay to take a pause on discussing differing opinions surrounding hot topics. If you find yourself in the middle of a difficult conversation that is feeling divisive, it is okay to say, “I respect you/love you but can we put this conversation on hold for now? I am feeling overwhelmed.” Lastly, remember to enforce and respect your own boundaries as a couple. Remember that you can always take a walk and ask each other for support or a break whenever needed. For some families the best way to operate and keep things positive and light is to engage in small doses. Remember that this is okay and every family is allowed to operate differently, and in a way that works best for them.