Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is rooted in the psychology of attachment theory and operates on the belief that emotions serve as guiding principles for our relationships. A core concept of Emotionally Focused Therapy is that our emotional system is seen as the primary motivational system in our life, essential to our survival and adaptation. Emotions are believed to play a key role in goal directed behavior. The goal of EFT for couples is to use a humanistic approach to create new emotional experiences and develop a secure and meaningful connection. If you are struggling in your relationship with conflict, distress, feelings of disconnection, or difficulty expressing and communicating emotions, then Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) could be helpful in transforming your relationship.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy allows for the process of identifying negative interaction patterns between the couple and creating new emotional interaction patterns. In essence the ideology behind this form of therapy is that security of partner connection is the underlying drive for change. According to Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy along with Leslie Greenberg, Ph.D., “emotional responsiveness-tuning into and supporting the other-is the key defining element of love.” This model helps partners build emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement which are the main elements for secure attachment according to attachment theory.
Often couples experiencing feelings of anger, sadness, or isolation are led to the discovery of an unmet need for closeness through the process of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. From a neuroscience perspective MRI studies have shown that there is a significant difference in our brains when we feel emotionally safe within our relationships. The more emotionally safe we feel in our relationship the more secure of an attachment we have. The secure attachment that can be formed through emotionally focused couples therapy can help minimize threat related neural activity which can play a significant role in helping with emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is an important skill to have in order to better serve how we operate in our relationships and can help couples better navigate conflict resolution. Emotional regulation allows us to better interpret and manage our own emotions to help with reactivity and allow our brain to better address and understand the situation more clearly. Think about it as if you are driving a car: when your windshield gets foggy you can no longer see where you are going or the signs ahead. In this scenario you would throw on your defroster and allow time for the windshield to clear so you can better see your destination. This is the purpose emotional regulation can serve in relationships. Once you are able to regulate your emotions, you are better able to see the situation through a clear lens and better navigate and approach the issue at hand. You are better able to listen to your partner and see the signs and signals they are giving you.
In order to be able to regulate our emotions we must first be able to identify and understand them. Emotions are a vital part of our relationships and in our romantic relationships, emotional expression and awareness allow space for partners to be more vulnerable with one another. Vulnerability breeds connection which is why the more vulnerable you can be with someone the closer you feel to them. Empathy is necessary for safety in relationships in order to be able to grow and feel connected. According to Brene Brown, empathy can be thought of as a four ingredient recipe: non-judgement, perspective taking, and understanding and communicating emotions. In order for us to be able to understand and communicate emotions of others we must first work on identifying, understanding, and communicating our own.
Emotionally focused couples therapy allows for new emotional experiences to be cultivated which can transform the dynamic of your relationship and increase closeness and security between you and your partner. Studies have shown, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), that physical contact and closeness with your partner can help to soothe the brain by decreasing threat related activations in the right anterior insula, hypothalamus, and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. The more connected and close we are with our partner the less threatened we will feel during times of conflict or distress.
On the flip side, unaddressed emotions in a relationship can cause disconnection, which can further diminish feelings of safety within the couple and cause negative relationship cycles to persist. Negative relationship cycles tend to be circular patterns of interactions where both partners contribute to the recycling of the same harmful cycle. Some common negative emotional cycles that can be seen in relationships are blaming, the silent treatment and withdrawal, the pursuer-distancer dynamic and escalating arguments.
Blaming can often be seen between partners when they begin to place blame on each other rather than being able to take responsibility for the role they played in the situation. This can often lead to a cycle of defensiveness where no productive conversation can be had to address the conflict at hand, leading to an inability to listen and often no resolution. Another common negative relationship cycle is the silent treatment/withdrawing which can often lead to feelings of abandonment or rejection between partners. In this cycle one partner will stop communicating and physically or emotionally withdraw from the interaction or relationship completely. The pursuer-distancer dynamic can often be a result of this withdrawal cycle where the more one partner withdraws and distances themselves, the more the other partner pursues some sort of interaction with them. This can be a dangerous dynamic by not allowing space for everyone to regulate their own emotions, often leading to escalation in the situation. Escalation is the cycle in which small disagreements quickly turn into intense fights which can cause hostility, unresolved conflict and greater emotional distress.
If any of the patterns mentioned in this article sounds familiar then it may be time to consider Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with your partner. Some of the common issues addressed by EFCT are issues associated with infidelity, mistrust, poor communication, insecure attachment styles, addiction, depression, chronic illness, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you are experiencing emotional distress or alienation in your relationship then Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help to repair the rupture and help adopt sustainable patterns to ensure a safe space is nurtured moving forward. Through the EFT lens, negative emotions such as anger, fear, mistrust, betrayal, or grief are often an indication of distress over the loss of connection within the relationship. Emotionally Focused Therapy is also used to help with family therapy or individual therapy, as creating secure healthy emotional bonds is the core for successful and healthy relationships and a better quality of life. Many mental disorders are often accompanied by feelings of isolation. EFT can often help individuals with these feelings of isolation by addressing the underlying issues that contribute such as depression, anxiety, or trauma. In family therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy can be used to help repair family bonds where relationships have been damaged through years of disconnection.
If you are considering Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, then it is important to understand what that process may look like. Often this therapy consists of eight to twenty weekly sessions. With the ultimate goal being altering the patterns of dysfunctional interaction, sometimes sessions may also continue until goals are met. EFT consists of three primary stages, de-escalation, restructuring interactions, and consolidation.
The first stage, de-escalation, involves de-escalating the distress and emotional reactivity between the couple. During this stage the couple is encouraged to identify how their negative interactions fuel a self-reinforcing cycle of distress. Couples will learn to understand how their behaviors and patterns have become harmful and will learn more effective ways to express their emotions. The second stage of restructuring interactions strives to help the couple restore their deep bond by allowing the therapist to help shape new emotional experiences for the couple. This stage focuses on allowing for safety to rebuild between the couple by understanding each other's emotional needs and learning how to attune to the needs of your partner. The consolidation stage involves the therapist helping couples to use their new secure attachment to address common issues they seem to be having. This stage allows for emotional resilience to build between the couple so they develop the confidence to address issues together moving forward. During this stage the couple is able to practice comforting one another and working and coming together during conflict rather than disconnecting.
All Emotionally Focused Therapies use a five step process to help foster change in relationships. These steps include, reflecting, presenting and processing as one step. Exploring new and deeper emotions, creating enactment, and processing enactment are the next three steps. The last step of the cycle of change involves summarizing and reflecting on the process of change. These five steps are cycled throughout a single session until changes are made between these interaction patterns. This five step process will be used to address each negative pattern the couple has presented with.
Before considering Emotionally Focused Therapy for your relationship, it is important to note the benefits of this form of couples therapy. One of the greatest benefits one can gain from EFT is better emotional functioning. Clients are able to better identify, communicate, and understand their own emotions which allows them to better interact with others. Being able to understand their own emotions provides individuals with the opportunity to learn how to better emotionally regulate so that they can show up in a more positive manner during conflict and ruptures in their relationships. Emotionally Focused therapy also provides the benefit of improved interpersonal understanding. By becoming more aware of their partner’s needs, clients are better able to listen and provide empathy to foster connection between each other. By allowing for empathy partners can become more vulnerable with one another and develop a more secure attachment within their relationship. Lastly, EFT can cultivate stronger bonds between people. Strong bonds and meaningful relationships can help contribute to a healthier and happier life by providing individuals with a safe, secure, and comfortable environment. Having safety and comfort in relationships allows for a higher distress tolerance allowing couples to better manage their issues with confidence and resilience. If you and your partner are struggling to feel connected and secure with one another, or feel stuck in a cycle of negativity, then it may be time to give Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy a try.