Did anyone else have to fight for their lives every time they entered a body of water when they were young? Okay cool, that means you have siblings and likely had the lovely experience of reciprocally trying to drown one another as a game- seriously who was watching us (sorry mom you were great but only had two eyes)? I am one of five and although my siblings were probably the greatest threat to my life from age one to fifteen they were also the bedrock on which I developed the person that I am today.
Sibling relationships are powerful and have the ability to shape us, change us, and heal us. The dynamic that is formed from birth between siblings contributes to overall wellness in adulthood. Growing up, most children spend a bulk of their time with their brothers and sisters, no matter how annoying they might be, they are also influential. Whether it is learning how to share and express your emotions while fighting over the front seat in the car or learning how to set boundaries when your brother comes into your room and leaves the door open (for the millionth time) these critical moments shape the development of these complex skills. For many, siblings are the first people you learn to compromise with, but also the first people you navigate conflict with. The tap dance between rupture and repair in these relationships is often difficult, especially when you are 10 years old, but it is an integral part of emotional growth. Close sibling relationships in childhood are linked to social competence, achievement, and the development of healthy interpersonal relationships. Additionally warm sibling relationships often protect against bullying and low self esteem in adolescents. The classic, “I can call my brother that, but if you do it will be the last thing you say,” dilemma that most kids face at some point or another. Although siblings are often a critical part of our social development they can become determinants when engaging in maladaptive patterns of behavior such as risky substance use, or unhealthy intimate relationships. This is particularly salient when that sibling is older, as younger siblings often emulate their older siblings' behaviors for better or worse. The sibling relationship is adaptable and flexible but if it is filled with excessive conflict or violence it can have a lasting effect on mental health.
Even though sibling relationships are notorious for their love-hate dynamic in childhood they have the potential to evolve to be cornerstone relationships in social support systems in adulthood. Siblings usually share the experience of being parented by the same people. This creates a unique bond in which you can explore how your individual internalization of their parenting style shaped who you are. This shared experience, when explored in adulthood, is often transformative and can be healing in the face of adverse childhood experiences. Unfortunately not all sibling relationships offer this environment for growth. Sometimes, sibling rivalry can linger well into adulthood, and unresolved issues from childhood can resurface in the form of resentment, competition, or even jealousy. Therapy is a great place to explore those unresolved issues and can often increase communication skills so that siblings in conflict can heal and prevent generational trauma. In adulthood your siblings are the ones who stand next to you at weddings and funerals, the ones who support and cherish your children, the ones you take life changing trips with, and the ones who ultimately surround you upon your departure from this life.
Despite the ups and downs, siblings offer something unique that no other relationship can. They are our first partners in crime, our lifelong friends, and often our first call when mom is nagging. Whether your sibling is someone you but heads with or someone you call at 2 a.m. for emotional support, they are a part of your journey. No matter how much we age, the core of that sibling relationship will persist. In this day and age sibling relationships are eroding as we spend more time on our phones and less time truly present. To honor the power of these relationships I encourage you to connect with your siblings, call them, even if they are awkward on the phone. Purposefully get to know them as they move through the various stages of their life.
So here’s to all the inside jokes, the late-night heart-to-hearts, and the quirky traditions that make sibling relationships so special. And if you’re reading this and have a sibling, maybe today is the perfect day to remind them how much you love them—whether that means sharing a silly memory, laughing over a private joke, or just calling them up to remind them of that one time they did…
Happy National Siblings Day!