As humans, we are all susceptible to cognitive distortions which can create unnecessary pressure and emotional distress. ‘Musturbation’ is a term coined by Dr. Albert Ellis to describe a pattern of rigid, irrational, and demanding thought patterns that have the ability to create significant levels of distress or anxiety. These thoughts often come in the form of “shoulds” and “musts”. These rigid thoughts can look differently for everyone, but are all driven by the same perfectionist, or unrealistic standards we set for ourselves. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that focuses on reframing rigid and irrational beliefs. The core principle driving REBT is, ‘it is not stressful events which cause us distress, but rather, our beliefs about the event which can create emotional distress.’ This form of therapy focuses on reframing your thoughts in a way that has a positive impact on your emotions and behavior. Patterns of musturbation can contribute to the distress or anxiety that we experience day-to-day, in response to stressors.
How Musturbation Contributes to Stress and Anxiety
- Demandingness - Believing I ‘must’ do well can create clear signals to the brain that there is a ‘right way’ and a ‘wrong way’ to go about something. This demandingness can create additional pressure and anxiety to perform, and without the ‘acceptable’ performance, it can lead to feelings of failure.
- Unrealistic Expectations - Should statements, such as “I should workout today,” can create impossible standards which can often lead to feelings of shame or guilt if not met. When you ‘should ‘ yourself, you are pigeonholing yourself into a situation in which only one outcome is ‘acceptable.’
- Catastrophizing - Sometimes if you are unable to meet the expectations of your ‘shoulds,’ it can lead to patterns of catastrophizing in which you believe there will now be a consequence or negative result. Over time, this can lead to a low frustration tolerance in which believing you "can't stand" a situation leads to anger, procrastination, or burnout.
These rigid thought patterns can often make you feel ‘stuck’ or even influence the standards you set for others in your life. When aimed towards yourself, these cognitive distortions can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or sense of failure. An example of this can be, “I should never make mistakes,” or “I should always be happy.” When these cognitive distortions are aimed toward others, it can often lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, or even a sense of self-righteousness. In relationships this could look like “he should never be late,” “my partner must treat me how I say,” or “she should always make time to talk to me.”
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy was developed in the 1950s by Dr. Albert Ellis and uses the framework of, “we feel the way we think,” highlighting the power of our thought patterns on our emotions and behaviors. The primary goal of REBT is to help individuals lead “non self-defeating, happier, self-actualized lives.” Therapists can help you identify the theme or patterns of your ‘shoulds,’ challenge these rigid thoughts, and replace them. There are many ways to reframe or dispute your faulty thinking and break patterns of musturbation.
Reframing Your “Shoulds” and “Musts”
- The ABC Model - This model uses an alphabetized format to help identify, combat, and challenge irrational beliefs by breaking things down into digestible pieces:
- A (activating event) - an event takes place (i.e. failing a test)
- B (irrational beliefs) - you think “I should know better, I should never fail.”
- C (consequence) - you feel disappointed, sad, insecure, or like a failure
- D (dispute) - you challenge the belief (Is it a fact that I have to be perfect and never fail?)
- E (effective new belief) - you adopt a healthier belief (I would prefer to not fail, but it is impossible to be perfect.)
- Finding Compassionate Alternatives - Shift from rigid to flexible thinking patterns by focusing on replacing ‘shoulds’ or ‘musts’ to preferences and resilience
- “I should have done better” → “I would have liked to do better, but I am not perfect and I did the best I could.”
- “People must treat me fairly” → “It would be nice if everyone was fair but I cannot control others; people aren't always fair, and that is okay.”
- Duality - Break all or nothing thinking patterns and focus on duality. Understanding that two things can be true at the same time can help shift to a more flexible mindset. I can feel a feeling and still perform.
- “I feel anxious, I shouldn’t go.” → “I feel anxious and I can still attend the event.”
- “So what?” - Ground yourself in facts over feelings. Ask yourself, “what’s the worst that can happen if I don’t get what I think I must?” This can help shift the focus from your emotional state to the facts of the situation. This questioning allows you to evaluate the reality of your thoughts. “Is it realistic to believe that I will never fail?”
- Convert to goals - Shifting our rigid thoughts or rules to flexible goals can help us feel more positive and in control. It allows us to focus on actionable steps versus human error.
- “I must never mess up at work or I am a failure.” → “I will do my best and if I make a mistake I can learn from it.”
- “I should be productive today so I am not lazy” → “I will plan to work for two hours and if I do more great, but I am also allowed to rest.”
Many of us create unnecessary pressure through rigid thoughts like “I should” or “I must.” This pressure over time can bleed into our self-esteem, sense of self, and our relationships. A first step to take, is to start a thought journal in which you become aware and identify your ‘should’ or ‘must’ thoughts. Treat yourself like you would a friend, and guide yourself, with self-compassion, through reframing exercises. Reframing can help minimize your anxiety and stress and increase your cognitive flexibility. Remember that the mind, like any muscle, requires training; so be patient with yourself.