Starting therapy can be vulnerable and oftentimes confusing: you are opening up about parts of yourself that are deeply personal in the hopes of finding support and clarity. Because therapy involves a great deal of trust, it can be difficult to know when something feels off. Many people can assume that if a therapist behaves a certain way, it must be therapeutic, even if the experience leaves them distressed.
It’s an uncomfortable truth that not every therapy experience is a healthy one. While therapists are human, and not always perfect, there are professional and ethical standards that exist to protect clients for a reason. Understanding what therapy should not look like can help you advocate for the care you deserve and find the therapist that meets your needs.
Red Flag 1: The Therapist Takes Center Stage
Occasionally, a therapist may share small personal details to help strengthen the rapport. These disclosures can be incredibly helpful in normalizing an experience or building the relationship between client and therapist. However, there is a substantial difference between a thoughtful disclosure versus the therapist dominating the conversation with their own personal stories.
If you are realizing that:
- Your therapist frequently talks about their relationships, family, vacations, political views, or personal struggles
- You feel responsible for supporting the emotions of your therapist
- You spend more time listening rather than speaking
…boundaries have been blurred in your professional relationship. A healthy therapeutic relationship is client focused, primarily revolving around the client’s experiences, goals, and growth.
Red Flag 2: A Distracted or Disengaged Therapist
Life isn’t perfect: connections can fail and emergencies can happen. On very rare occasions, you may have your therapist have to leave a session early or pick up a phone call. Despite this, it is not “too much” to want to feel that your therapist is attentive and connected. Distractions should not be the forefront of your therapy experience
A therapist who is:
- Eating meals loudly throughout sessions
- Texting or checking phone notifications repeatedly
- Looking disengaged
- Often making unrelated calls during appointments
- Frequently forgetting important details you’ve shared
…is not providing you with the attention and care you deserve in the therapy room. One of the most important parts of therapy is feeling heard, and your therapist should be mentally and emotionally present during sessions. If you are feeling dismissed, it may be time to dig deeper into that feeling.
Red Flag 3: Blurred Boundaries
Though an uninterested therapist is a red flag, an overly involved therapist can be just as bad. Boundaries are set in place to keep therapy safe! Healthy boundaries allow for the therapist and client relationship to grow professionally and encourage the client to predict trust and emotional clarity in their therapy room.
If your therapist:
- Tries to become your friend
- Asks for favors or support
- Communicates excessively outside of session with no clinical backing
- Blurs financial, social, or emotional lines
- Engages with you outside of sessions (in real life or social media)
- Engages in any unwanted touching, sexual comments, flirtation, or suggestive behavior
…they are crossing professional and ethical boundaries that can exploit the vulnerability inherent in the therapeutic relationship. Clients who have experienced trauma, abandonment, or unstable relationships may be especially vulnerable to confusing boundary crossings with care or closeness. It is your therapist’s responsibility to make sure there are no blurry boundaries in your relationship and uphold a professional bond.
Red Flag 4: Shame, Judgment, or Emotional Unsafety
A therapist may challenge you by pointing out patterns, encouraging accountability, or helping you examine difficult truths. A good therapist can push you, but you should not feel humiliated and ashamed. There is a major difference between constructive challenge and harsh criticism that feels emotionally unsafe.
If you are noticing:
- Feeling judged for your choices
- Your therapist becoming upset when you disagree
- Being mocked or dismissed
- Feeling afraid to be honest in sessions
… your therapist may be creating an unsafe environment for your therapeutic growth. You should be in a space that fosters vulnerability without fear.
Red Flag 5: Control Instead of Collaboration
Sometimes, we just want to ask our therapist for advice or to point us in a certain direction. Healthy therapy is meant to empower clients to build confidence in their own judgment, but a poor therapist may try to control your decisions.
If you feel your therapist:
- Pressuring you into major life choices
- Making you feel dependent on them
- Discouraging you from ending therapy or seeking another opinion
…you may be falling into an overdependence cycle with your provider. Clients should be encouraged to make independent decisions and explore options with their therapist, rather than be told exactly what to do.
What To Do If You Notice Red Flags
What happens if you do recognize red flags in your therapist? Many people ignore discomfort in therapy because they worry they are overreacting. This is especially common for clients who have histories of trauma or people pleasing. If you consistently leave sessions feeling anxious, confused, emotionally responsible for your therapist, or unseen, those feelings deserve attention. Discomfort does not always mean something unethical is happening (therapy can be challenging and introduce uncomfortable feelings!) but recurring concerns should not be ignored.
If you are feeling uncomfortable, you should advocate for yourself. Therapy should be a space where you feel emotionally safe enough to explore difficult experiences. While no therapist gets everything right all the time, there is an important difference between ordinary human mistakes and patterns of unprofessional behavior.
You can:
- Bring up your concerns directly with your therapist
- Ask questions about boundaries- don’t be afraid to set your own
- Seek consultation from another mental health professional or therapist
- Change therapists
- Report unethical conduct to the licensing board if necessary
Not every therapist will be the perfect fit- and that is okay! But it is important to note the difference between a therapist who isn’t for you versus a therapist doing more harm than good. A good, ethical therapist will welcome your questions, respect your autonomy, uphold professional boundaries, and work collaboratively with you.