Introduction
Romantic relationships, in most cases, come with an array of challenges. These challenges may be further compounded when one or more partners have ADHD. The relationship is tested by miscommunications, follow-through challenges, responsibility imbalances, and emotional reactivity. ADHD may shape the way a couple connects and experiences conflict. Couples may choose to adapt their relationship structures to their needs- leading to a more sustainable and supportive partnership.
What is ADHD?
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. The most common symptoms of ADHD include trouble focusing, and hyperactivity. Someone with ADHD may often zone out, lose their train of thought, or have difficulty sitting still. There are a few different sub-types of ADHD- Inattentive ADHD, Hyperactive ADHD, and Combine Type ADHD. Inattentive ADHD predominantly impacts task management. Inattentive ADHD may include poor attention to detail, forgetfulness, lack of follow through, and disorganization. Hyperactive ADHD may manifest as excessive energy, fidgeting, and impulsive decision making. Someone with Hyperactive ADHD may interrupt others in conversation, have difficulty waiting their turn, or be difficult to keep up with. Combined Type ADHD, simply put, is the best of both worlds.
ADHD in Adulthood
While most ADHD diagnoses occur during childhood, more and more adults are seeking ADHD evaluations and getting diagnosed in adulthood. ADHD symptoms may change overtime as one’s responsibilities and life circumstances shift. Many ADHD adults have spent their lifetime creating systems for themselves to conform to the demands of a neurotypical world. That’s where you’ll see the color coded calendar where every hour is accounted for, or the weekly chore chart that breaks every task down into steps. Maintaining these systems can be draining for the typical ADHD adult as they consistently reassess and refine them. Adults with ADHD frequently experience shame and self-blame related to their executive dysfunction, having a domino effect on their mood, emotional regulation, and self-esteem. These factors make romantic relationships especially challenging for people with ADHD compared to their neurotypical counterparts.
ADHD Affected Relationships
Miscommunications are a normal part of any relationship. In relationships with one or more ADHD partners, this may be amplified. ADHD partners may struggle to read certain social cues, leading to misunderstandings. ADHD partners may miss details in translation. They may experience distractions or forgetfulness. This leads to frustration for the Non-ADHD partner and shame for the ADHD partner.
Relationships where one or more partners have ADHD may find themselves within a pursue-withdrawal cycle. This dynamic involves one partner playing the role of the “pursuing partner”, and another playing the role of the “withdrawing partner”. The pursuing partner (Often a non-ADHD partner) is more confrontational, wanting to promptly discuss relationship issues, and generally moving towards conflict. The withdrawing partner (Often an ADHD partner) generally shuts down during conflict, potentially feeling shameful or overwhelmed. This dynamic, left unchecked, leads to emotional distance amongst partners.
ADHD partners may be inconsistent with follow-through. They may intend to complete a household task or check in with their partner, and ultimately fail to do so. People with ADHD may experience time blindness, where they underestimate how long something will take, or over-estimate how much time they actually have. The Non-ADHD partner often interprets this as a lack of care or love. While, for the ADHD partner, it is more about executive dysfunction.
ADHD-affected relationships may develop a parent/child dynamic. In this case, one partner behaves as a critical parent (often the non-ADHD partner), while the other assumes the role of the misbehaving child (Often the ADHD partner). The “parent” partner may manage household responsibilities, provide the “child” partner with reminders, and over-correct the “child” partner. This dynamic often creates learned helplessness in the “child” partner, while the “parent” partner assumes more responsibility. This often creates resentment within the relationship over time. The “parent” resenting the increased mental labor, and the “child” resenting the criticism.
ADHD partners may have difficulty regulating their emotions, making conflict resolution more challenging. ADHD partners may experience emotional extremes- overreacting to relationship conflicts, or becoming overwhelmed and shutting down in the wake of interpersonal conflict.
Strengthening the ADHD Affected Relationship
Despite the relational challenges, ADHD affected relationships may adapt to their neurodivergent needs, becoming strong, satisfying, and sustainable. Here are some Dos and Don’ts for maintaining strong ADHD affected relationships:
Do
- Set and communicate reasonable expectations- This applies to the expectations you have of yourself and of your partner. Have open discussions about your non-negotiables and be open to compromising in other areas. Be realistic about your partner’s and your capacity.
Don’t
- Expect perfection or quick changes- Change doesn’t happen overnight. Our brains are wired to stick with familiarity. This means that old habits are hard to break, and new habits are hard to form. When change is necessary, take it one small step at a time.
Do
- Divide and conquer household responsibilities- Reflect with your partner on dividing chores and shared tasks in ways that make sense. If there is something you’re particular about (for example, if you like your clothes folded a certain way), assign it to yourself. And if there is something your partner enjoys that you don’t, (for example, if you don’t care for cooking but your partner finds it fun) ask your partner to regularly take it on.
Do
- Provide support and encouragement- Our brains respond well to positive reinforcement. If you notice that your partner has made improvements with their executive functioning or emotional regulation, tell them! Let them know that you appreciate their efforts and willingness to make positive changes. Give yourself and your partner grace and patience.
Don’t
- Insult or over-criticize your partner- This creates more emotional distance within relationships. Only emphasizing our missteps leads to discouragement and feeds into our shame. We can acknowledge areas of improvement within the relationship and maintain respect and positive regard for our partners and ourselves.
Do
- Practice co-regulation skills- Identify what makes you feel regulated, and invite your partner to join. Practice guided meditations. Exercise. Read. Dance. Whatever your preference, do it together. This is good practice for regulating together in moments of conflict.
Don’t
- Place all blame on yourself or your partner- Dysfunctional relationship dynamics are perpetuated by all parties continuing to engage in one way or another. The longevity and satisfaction of a relationship is never on one person’s shoulders.
Do
- Take accountability for your part in dysfunctional dynamics- Own your part! Have you been perpetuating your partner’s learned helplessness by taking on all of the shared responsibilities without help? If so, take a step back and give your partner a chance to participate and the space to learn. Have you been inconsistent with following through on your portion of shared responsibilities? Take initiative by setting reminders for yourself, breaking tasks down into more digestible steps, and planning for distractions.
Remember: You’re a team.
Relationships, ADHD affected or otherwise, benefit from collaborative approaches to problem solving. Your partner is on your side, and not a problem to be fixed. Re-connect with the things you love about your partner and the relationship. Let that be your motivation to tackle issues that arise together.
Sources:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/adhd-in-adults
https://chadd.org/adhd-weekly/adhd-complicates-romance/
https://marriageandfamilyinstitute.net/blog/cycle-of-pursue-withdraw/